Pilates has been a transformative tool for me. It seems like magic. It goes against all the experience and education I have in weight training and aerobics -- how could so few sets, so few reps, produce high definition, a dancer’s physique and flexibility.
I have watched my body transform in a way nothing else I did accomplished -- including yoga.
In the past, my body, because of inflammation, tended to be slow to show results and look heavier than it actually was. But it was changing! And the most wonderful thing was that I found that it did not take away energy from me, the way weight training did, and in fact, sometimes I ended up with more energy, which for me was incredible.
It was a beautiful mystery to me, and seemed even more miraculous when one day, during Immersion training, I was sitting outside and I noticed I was seeing out of my right eye-which was amazing because my eyesight there has always been very poor. But not only was I seeing out of that eye, I felt different-then I realized I was occupying the right side of my body for the first time ever. I could feel the breath and circulation going there and like I wasn’t cut off on that side anymore. The world felt different to me..I felt more grounded, present, and able to handle whatever came at me. How did Pilates do this? I watched myself slowly becoming more empowered, and my life started shifting…
I met Chantill Lopez when she was a Pilates teacher at the YMCA in Santa Rosa, Ca. After taking a few classes, which I admittedly had to drag myself to, I noticed that I actually seemed to be able to breather deeper, actually get more breath in my body and that, overall, I found it more energizing than fatiguing.
After a year of doing Pilates, people started asking me if I was a dancer. I began saying yes, even though I wasn’t actively dancing. I started taking ballet once a week. It was humbling, as onyone with Lyme would attest; the brain to body connection is affected, and add that to the fatigue, and no one would ever have known I danced a step in my life. I just let myself be awkward for years until this year, when suddenly it started to come together, and I can dance again!
And of course, if I’m taking dance, I must redevelop those acting and singing muscles also, right? At a community college I re-studied acting. I laugh at the irony of someone with cognitive impairment memorizing lines, but somehow, I’m doing it.
Singing again has been the most difficult, as somehow the illness had done something to my voice and it was painful to hear what would come out of my mouth. But to stay in life, I worked at it and forced myself to sing back-up vocals in a band. I was awful a lot of the time, but I hoped that if I kept at it, I might recover some of what I had. At this point, I have recovered some, it just comes and goes. Point is, Pilates ignited this process of transformation in me, gave me the confidence and empowerment to reclaim my life and expand it.
I have written 2 shows, one of which, “I Will Not Go Quietly” is a performance art piece of blogs, and announced live performances. This show is about the phenomenon of people “disappearing” from society-those who are chronically ill or poor, in particular, by putting people in the world of a character who is struggling to transcend these obstacles. This is one way I use art to educate and help understanding of chronic issues. The show has not been launched because I did not have the medical support to have the energy I needed to present it. But with a Teaching Certification, I can make that a reality.
** I must make a footnote here-many of those struggling with these illnesses can not do some of the things I am doing for have done, no matter how much they desire it or try. I want no one to go away form this thinking “ooh if they just wanted it enough..” I heard that plenty when I was in bed for over 10 years. I couldn’t will it. Because of depression, the only will I could muster was not to kill myself. many of my brothers and sisters with Lyme are in wheelchairs. I know how fortunate I am. I had just that tiny bit more health that enable me-eventually-to scrape together whatever healthcare I could get, and get myself up enough to do this. I do struggle everyday. If it rains, the mold sensitivity flares and it is like trying to think with a head full of cotton. I get exhausted and every move is a battle with depressive thoughts. Sometimes my body hurts like I’m 50 years older, I have trouble putting words together, and my moods can be overwhelming. Last winter much of my hair fell out. But I was able to get better, better enough to make my life better. Think what I could do if I had some help. **
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The rest of my story...
I was always a fighter. I got knocked down so often, I was known as “the girl with great promise”, as opposed to manifesting to fruition. I was sick a lot as far back as I remember. My immune system was very low, and I had many mysterious symptoms that seemed to come and go with no known logic or connection. It was not uncommon for me to be out of school for months in a school year. I would be out in the world, like a normal kid, and then the inevitable crash in the dreaded bed-up and down, in and out-trying to take advantage of the “out” time as much as possible.
I grew up in a home with mental illness, abuse and addiction. I asked my mother if I could go to therapy at 6 years old. When I found out I was zoned for a high school of gangs and drugs, I studied for the entrance exam and got into Stuyvesant H.S.-the top school in NYC. It was there that I met Frank McCourt, my creative writing teacher, now Pulitzer Prize Winning author of Angela’s Ashes, who encouraged me, and upon graduation, awarded me the NYC Teacher’s Award for Excellence in Creative Writing.
In between this, I studied drama, dance and voice-from ages 9-11 in a vaudeville school in Carnegie Hall and from ages 12-16 at the Neighborhood Playhouse, NYC. I tried to do as much as I could during my “out” times, but at 16, the depression became worse-for awhile eclipsing the physical issues. I withdrew after high school-still fighting for life where I could-enough to get into the college I wanted. In college, the cognitive issues worsened. I’d sit in the Unisex bathroom reading the same sentence over and over for hours.
During all this, I developed my interest in bodybuilding and fitness, and was certified as a trainer at Jack LaLanne and later at the Vertical Club, NYC. Years later, in SF, I had a small personal training business.
After 2 years in college, I misjudged distances and got hit by a car. That seemed to be the last insult my body would take. I was barely able to get out of bed for the next decade-though I did manage some triumphs during this time: I got myself out of the abusive home and moved to SF, where, with little resources, I managed to get a room and a job within a month. The job was wonderful-I was a paid environmental activist! It was here that I began my interest in politics and activism, and discovered my ability to move energy for a good cause. I knew my body was running on the adrenaline of survival, however, and it did run down, until finally I was unable to work. An angel sent someone to me-someone who, even though he didn’t have much himself, walked the path with me.
This was a terribly trying time. In hindsight, I am grateful for the experiences, as I had a front row seat to what so many people who are ill/ low-income/ homeless-what people with no safety net- go through, and no matter how high I rise in my life, that understanding is seared into my brain. It solidified my conviction of every human being’s right to healthy shelter and healthcare and gave me the drive to fight for myself and for those that can’t fight for themselves.
With so little money, we were homeless for years, doing the “housesitting circuit” when we could. I remember living in a tent in a park while my partner commuted miles to work-sick as a dog-with night sweats, on and off fevers, migraines, depression and panic attacks, loss of feeling in my leg-just feeling like I was dying-while people around me were camping on vacation having beer blasts. There was the attic someone rented to us, where the ceiling was 3 feet from the floor, and we had to crawl to get into, that was ridden with fleas. Or the converted garage that was infested with black mold and vermin-which is where I developed the “mold injury” I have now.
After a 5 year battle, I received disability, which was a blessing. I was finally able to address these health issues head on, and saw my first Holistic MD. I was diagnosed at age 33 with Lyme Disease and it’s co-infections, Clinical Depression, MCS, mold injury, and heavy metal poisoning. I treated what I could afford. Improvement was slow but I am better. I still have a long way to go-which is again why getting my certification and is so important to getting back my life. With the skill of Pilates teaching, I can get the medical support I’ve needed all along.
Those with chronic illness know how expensive the doctors who have the knowledge and experience to help are, and most supplements and meds are out of pocket. I can live in a place that I can make tolerable for the MCS and EI. And with these two foundations, I can build my strength, and I promise you-I will make the most of this gift of my life. I have gained valuable pwesonal insight that I can weave into Pilates training to help those with chronic illness. I want to help inspire others as well, those with chronic illness and those who just need hope, with my life. I want to help people transform and heal with Pilates. Be it through art, Pilates, or activism (or a combo!), I will advocate and educate to help those who are too weary or sick or tired or poor to advocate for themselves.
I grew up in a home with mental illness, abuse and addiction. I asked my mother if I could go to therapy at 6 years old. When I found out I was zoned for a high school of gangs and drugs, I studied for the entrance exam and got into Stuyvesant H.S.-the top school in NYC. It was there that I met Frank McCourt, my creative writing teacher, now Pulitzer Prize Winning author of Angela’s Ashes, who encouraged me, and upon graduation, awarded me the NYC Teacher’s Award for Excellence in Creative Writing.
In between this, I studied drama, dance and voice-from ages 9-11 in a vaudeville school in Carnegie Hall and from ages 12-16 at the Neighborhood Playhouse, NYC. I tried to do as much as I could during my “out” times, but at 16, the depression became worse-for awhile eclipsing the physical issues. I withdrew after high school-still fighting for life where I could-enough to get into the college I wanted. In college, the cognitive issues worsened. I’d sit in the Unisex bathroom reading the same sentence over and over for hours.
During all this, I developed my interest in bodybuilding and fitness, and was certified as a trainer at Jack LaLanne and later at the Vertical Club, NYC. Years later, in SF, I had a small personal training business.
After 2 years in college, I misjudged distances and got hit by a car. That seemed to be the last insult my body would take. I was barely able to get out of bed for the next decade-though I did manage some triumphs during this time: I got myself out of the abusive home and moved to SF, where, with little resources, I managed to get a room and a job within a month. The job was wonderful-I was a paid environmental activist! It was here that I began my interest in politics and activism, and discovered my ability to move energy for a good cause. I knew my body was running on the adrenaline of survival, however, and it did run down, until finally I was unable to work. An angel sent someone to me-someone who, even though he didn’t have much himself, walked the path with me.
This was a terribly trying time. In hindsight, I am grateful for the experiences, as I had a front row seat to what so many people who are ill/ low-income/ homeless-what people with no safety net- go through, and no matter how high I rise in my life, that understanding is seared into my brain. It solidified my conviction of every human being’s right to healthy shelter and healthcare and gave me the drive to fight for myself and for those that can’t fight for themselves.
With so little money, we were homeless for years, doing the “housesitting circuit” when we could. I remember living in a tent in a park while my partner commuted miles to work-sick as a dog-with night sweats, on and off fevers, migraines, depression and panic attacks, loss of feeling in my leg-just feeling like I was dying-while people around me were camping on vacation having beer blasts. There was the attic someone rented to us, where the ceiling was 3 feet from the floor, and we had to crawl to get into, that was ridden with fleas. Or the converted garage that was infested with black mold and vermin-which is where I developed the “mold injury” I have now.
After a 5 year battle, I received disability, which was a blessing. I was finally able to address these health issues head on, and saw my first Holistic MD. I was diagnosed at age 33 with Lyme Disease and it’s co-infections, Clinical Depression, MCS, mold injury, and heavy metal poisoning. I treated what I could afford. Improvement was slow but I am better. I still have a long way to go-which is again why getting my certification and is so important to getting back my life. With the skill of Pilates teaching, I can get the medical support I’ve needed all along.
Those with chronic illness know how expensive the doctors who have the knowledge and experience to help are, and most supplements and meds are out of pocket. I can live in a place that I can make tolerable for the MCS and EI. And with these two foundations, I can build my strength, and I promise you-I will make the most of this gift of my life. I have gained valuable pwesonal insight that I can weave into Pilates training to help those with chronic illness. I want to help inspire others as well, those with chronic illness and those who just need hope, with my life. I want to help people transform and heal with Pilates. Be it through art, Pilates, or activism (or a combo!), I will advocate and educate to help those who are too weary or sick or tired or poor to advocate for themselves.
Why help?
In June I started on the path to becoming a Pilates teacher. With a generous donation from a life-long friend I started the pre-requisites for a local Pilates Certification Program.
Now...I need to finish.
I have been having trouble putting into words what finishing this training means to me because how do you tell people it will save your life without sounding melodramatic?
But itâ??s so true. Up until now I have been barely surviving, but I believe I can thrive.
I have so much to give and share and with just a little help-the help of vocational training so I can provide healthcare support and a decent living space g to give me enough stamina to meet the world, everyday. Much in the tradition of â??teach a man to fishâ??... I want to learn to fish so I can feed myself.
I do not have family or any source of support except myself, so I had to do find something that I could physically and emotionally do, that I enjoyed, that I was skilled enough to do to make good enough money to enable me to work around the illness.
Because I had spent my 20â??s and much of my 30â??s barely able to function, I had not developed â??marketable skillsâ?? and was not able to afford the medical care and support I needed in order to work.
The skills I had were in the area of performing and writing, neither of which I was sure I would ever be able to do again.
It was after years of searching for the right path that I saw an application for Pilates Teacher Training at a local studio. I did research and it fit the criteria. On top of it, it was therapeutic for me and fun!
Thanks to the generosity of my friend, Jennifer Kaiser, I was able to start the Immersion program and all summer I trained and completed the prerequisite. It was tough, but I did it.
Now I need help to finish the rest of the training.
Now...I need to finish.
I have been having trouble putting into words what finishing this training means to me because how do you tell people it will save your life without sounding melodramatic?
But itâ??s so true. Up until now I have been barely surviving, but I believe I can thrive.
I have so much to give and share and with just a little help-the help of vocational training so I can provide healthcare support and a decent living space g to give me enough stamina to meet the world, everyday. Much in the tradition of â??teach a man to fishâ??... I want to learn to fish so I can feed myself.
I do not have family or any source of support except myself, so I had to do find something that I could physically and emotionally do, that I enjoyed, that I was skilled enough to do to make good enough money to enable me to work around the illness.
Because I had spent my 20â??s and much of my 30â??s barely able to function, I had not developed â??marketable skillsâ?? and was not able to afford the medical care and support I needed in order to work.
The skills I had were in the area of performing and writing, neither of which I was sure I would ever be able to do again.
It was after years of searching for the right path that I saw an application for Pilates Teacher Training at a local studio. I did research and it fit the criteria. On top of it, it was therapeutic for me and fun!
Thanks to the generosity of my friend, Jennifer Kaiser, I was able to start the Immersion program and all summer I trained and completed the prerequisite. It was tough, but I did it.
Now I need help to finish the rest of the training.
An Introduction: A Life In Need of Changing
I wanted to take this opportunity to briefly introduce myself, my cause and to share with you what this opportunity means to me.
At age 33, after struggling with illness for most of my life, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and its cohorts Clinical Depression, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, mold injury and heavy metal poisoning. It has not been an easy road -- for all the years before this pivotal moment I didn't even know why I was ill or how to move toward better health.
It is at this point in my life that I am faced with the reality of what these illnesses mean to my future.
Here are the hard questions: How will I afford to continue my health care; how will I stay well enough to continue to work and participate in my community; what is the reality of where my health stands today as compared to where it will be in 5 years?
The hard answers: Becuse these conditons (illnesses), as a group, are degenerative, without proper and extensive treatment -- and if I continue to go without the ability to provide that for myself -- within the next 3-5 years I am looking at not being able to help myself. That is, have the health to work and get myself better.
Unfortunately, I no longer have the luxury of piecing my life together just to get through the day. For now this is about living and dying.
So, I thank you, humbly, for taking a moment to listen, to explore and to share my story. Because even if you decide that you cannot or should not support me I know that there are others in our community who struggle as I have and do struggle and perhaps these moments you have taken will lead you to making a difference when you can.
At age 33, after struggling with illness for most of my life, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and its cohorts Clinical Depression, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, mold injury and heavy metal poisoning. It has not been an easy road -- for all the years before this pivotal moment I didn't even know why I was ill or how to move toward better health.
It is at this point in my life that I am faced with the reality of what these illnesses mean to my future.
Here are the hard questions: How will I afford to continue my health care; how will I stay well enough to continue to work and participate in my community; what is the reality of where my health stands today as compared to where it will be in 5 years?
The hard answers: Becuse these conditons (illnesses), as a group, are degenerative, without proper and extensive treatment -- and if I continue to go without the ability to provide that for myself -- within the next 3-5 years I am looking at not being able to help myself. That is, have the health to work and get myself better.
Unfortunately, I no longer have the luxury of piecing my life together just to get through the day. For now this is about living and dying.
So, I thank you, humbly, for taking a moment to listen, to explore and to share my story. Because even if you decide that you cannot or should not support me I know that there are others in our community who struggle as I have and do struggle and perhaps these moments you have taken will lead you to making a difference when you can.
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