My Journey with Pilates

Pilates has been a transformative tool for me. It seems like magic. It goes against all the experience and education I have in weight training and aerobics -- how could so few sets, so few reps, produce high definition, a dancer’s physique and flexibility.

I have watched my body transform in a way nothing else I did accomplished -- including yoga.

In the past, my body, because of inflammation, tended to be slow to show results and look heavier than it actually was. But it was changing! And the most wonderful thing was that I found that it did not take away energy from me, the way weight training did, and in fact, sometimes I ended up with more energy, which for me was incredible.

It was a beautiful mystery to me, and seemed even more miraculous when one day, during Immersion training, I was sitting outside and I noticed I was seeing out of my right eye-which was amazing because my eyesight there has always been very poor. But not only was I seeing out of that eye, I felt different-then I realized I was occupying the right side of my body for the first time ever. I could feel the breath and circulation going there and like I wasn’t cut off on that side anymore. The world felt different to me..I felt more grounded, present, and able to handle whatever came at me. How did Pilates do this? I watched myself slowly becoming more empowered, and my life started shifting…

I met Chantill Lopez when she was a Pilates teacher at the YMCA in Santa Rosa, Ca. After taking a few classes, which I admittedly had to drag myself to, I noticed that I actually seemed to be able to breather deeper, actually get more breath in my body and that, overall, I found it more energizing than fatiguing.

After a year of doing Pilates, people started asking me if I was a dancer. I began saying yes, even though I wasn’t actively dancing. I started taking ballet once a week. It was humbling, as onyone with Lyme would attest; the brain to body connection is affected, and add that to the fatigue, and no one would ever have known I danced a step in my life. I just let myself be awkward for years until this year, when suddenly it started to come together, and I can dance again!

And of course, if I’m taking dance, I must redevelop those acting and singing muscles also, right? At a community college I re-studied acting. I laugh at the irony of someone with cognitive impairment memorizing lines, but somehow, I’m doing it.

Singing again has been the most difficult, as somehow the illness had done something to my voice and it was painful to hear what would come out of my mouth. But to stay in life, I worked at it and forced myself to sing back-up vocals in a band. I was awful a lot of the time, but I hoped that if I kept at it, I might recover some of what I had. At this point, I have recovered some, it just comes and goes. Point is, Pilates ignited this process of transformation in me, gave me the confidence and empowerment to reclaim my life and expand it.

I have written 2 shows, one of which, “I Will Not Go Quietly” is a performance art piece of blogs, and announced live performances. This show is about the phenomenon of people “disappearing” from society-those who are chronically ill or poor, in particular, by putting people in the world of a character who is struggling to transcend these obstacles. This is one way I use art to educate and help understanding of chronic issues. The show has not been launched because I did not have the medical support to have the energy I needed to present it. But with a Teaching Certification, I can make that a reality.

** I must make a footnote here-many of those struggling with these illnesses can not do some of the things I am doing for have done, no matter how much they desire it or try. I want no one to go away form this thinking “ooh if they just wanted it enough..” I heard that plenty when I was in bed for over 10 years. I couldn’t will it. Because of depression, the only will I could muster was not to kill myself. many of my brothers and sisters with Lyme are in wheelchairs. I know how fortunate I am. I had just that tiny bit more health that enable me-eventually-to scrape together whatever healthcare I could get, and get myself up enough to do this. I do struggle everyday. If it rains, the mold sensitivity flares and it is like trying to think with a head full of cotton. I get exhausted and every move is a battle with depressive thoughts. Sometimes my body hurts like I’m 50 years older, I have trouble putting words together, and my moods can be overwhelming. Last winter much of my hair fell out. But I was able to get better, better enough to make my life better. Think what I could do if I had some help. **